Overcoming Your Reluctance towards Taking Care of Your Elderly Parents?
It's an odd feeling, having to assume control or guide your elders, folks who once guided you. The thought of telling them what to do or handling matters for them can be strange. You're the one they've always looked up to, the one they protected and guided. Now, the roles are reversing, and for many, this shift can be tough. You don't want to strip them of their independence or disrespect their personal space. However, if you turn a blind eye, their vulnerability might end up swallowing whatever leftover independence they have. Neglecting medication or falling due to unsafe conditions isn't a good way to uphold their independence. Similarly, failing to prevent financial mishaps or scams doesn't honor their autonomy.
If you find yourself in this situation, remember, you're not alone. Implement these strategies to ease into this new role you never wanted:
Understand Your Own Resistance
We can't tackle any problem until we acknowledge it and understand its roots. For those with aging family, especially parents, the thought of managing their lives might feel unnatural. This shift in roles isn't pleasant.
Seeing your parents' vulnerability can evoke feelings of sadness, denial, or guilt. It's a reminder of their mortality, something we're not comfortable with. Then there's the burden. If your parents can't drive anymore, for instance, you'd have to either take them places or help them find alternatives. That's a new responsibility you might not want or have time for right now. Taking on more tasks can be overwhelming, especially when balancing other commitments.
Reframe Your Mindset
Viewing your role as a caregiver from a different perspective can help reduce your internal resistance and make you feel more honored. It's the right thing to do, and that gives anyone a strong sense of purpose. Here are some ways to improve your journey:
Pay it forward: Caregiving is an opportunity to repay your parents for the love and sacrifices they made for you. You have the chance to return the favor. If they weren't great parents, you're demonstrating what family love should be like. In a way, you're correcting past wrongs by approaching it with dignity and love, giving them what they might have lacked: attention and affection. Doing the right thing makes us feel good.
Look ahead: As the saying goes, "They are ourselves a few years down the road." Do you see in them the potential future for you if you lose your independence? Don't tell yourself it can never happen to you. Imagine being a responsible caregiver for them, just as you'd want it to be for you when you're in their situation. No room for denial here, as aging affects us all. Most of us will need help if we live long enough.
Set an example
Consider showing your own kids or close friends how to do this job. One day, it might fall on them to take care of you. It happens. It's very rare for people celebrating their 100th birthday to be without caregivers and a supportive environment.
How Resistance Shows Up
From the team at AgingParents.com, we've seen the resistance from adult children towards caring for their parents. We're a nursing-legal, geriatric psychology team, offering advice and strategy. We see resistance from adult children to step in at the early warning stage when red flags appear. Adult children don't want to do it. They have a long list of excuses and reasons to ignore the red flags. Here are the top three excuses to avoid taking on "parenting" aging parents:
- "I don't want to take away their independence." What does that really mean? Life is taking away their independence! Aging does that, you don't. Unless the aging parents are extremely unusual, with no chronic medical conditions and no memory loss, they lose independence gradually as years pass. If they forget their medications, you're not "taking away independence" if you step in to ensure they take those meds or hire help to administer them. The same is true for managing their finances. Forgetting to pay bills means they're no longer independent in managing money. You're not taking anything away but potential disaster when you assume responsibility to pay the bills and oversee the finances.
- "I don't want them to lose their dignity." Sure, no one wants to see another person lose their dignity, but what is dignity? Does it mean letting them deal with incontinence issues or unsafe living conditions without addressing them? Is it dignified to let them deal with soiled garments or accidents because discussing such issues is taboo? We see dignity in protecting vulnerable elderly from the realities of aging. Safety, good hygiene, secure living situations, and financial management are what truly maintain dignity.
"Eh, 'I can't be bothered looking after my old man'? That's about as lame an excuse as they come. fucking around with the 'giving back' bit, I doubt any run-of-the-mill parent, whether top-notch or not, has ever uttered 'I've no time for the kids at all'. Issues like these, they got solutions. Families can hire aid, seek help from other relatives, use elder communities with help, or link up with non-profit organizations for additional assistance. Sure, it takes fucking time. It's a task, sure as shit, to lend a hand, find help, or nudge reluctant family members into action. Millions of adult kids in this country somehow manage to finding the time for what needs to be done."
As per the Pew Research Center, one out of ten adults aged 40s and 50s with a parent age 65 or over, are providing main care for a parent. The need for parenting our parents increases with age and the onset of more chronic illnesses. From our point of view, not everyone tackles this willingly. However, ways to get necessary assistance to overcome that resistance exist. Non-profits like the Family Caregiver Alliance are a good starting point.
- Despite the strange feeling, acknowledging your own resistance towards caregiving for your aging parent is crucial, as it stems from the shift in roles and the potential burden of assuming responsibilities.
- reframing your mindset as an opportunity to pay back your parent for their past love and sacrifices, look ahead to potential future situations, and set an example for your own children can help mitigate internal resistance.
- One of the top excuses for resisting the role of caring for an aging parent is the fear of taking away their independence; however, neglecting their vulnerability can lead to health and financial issues, ultimately stripping them of their autonomy.
- Another common excuse is the concern about disrespecting their parents' dignity; yet, ensuring their safety, hygiene, and financial management upholds their dignity, preserving their sense of self-worth and self-respect.
- In acknowledging the resistance towards caregiving, it is essential to understand that there are resources available, such as non-profit organizations like the Family Caregiver Alliance, to assist in finding solutions and obtaining necessary help to ensure the wellbeing of both the caregiver and the aging parent.
