Shared Focus: Insights on Bonding and Duty within the Realm of Family and Commitment
Living Our Lives in Third Things: My Journey as a Military Spouse
Welcome to today's post, dear readers. Today, we're diving into a discussion that's close to my heart, touching on themes like love, resilience, and service. It's a different spin from our usual content, but I promise you'll find valuable insights.
I'd go as far as saying I wouldn't have truly understood my time in the military without meeting my wife, Katy. With me since I was a captain, she's the driving force behind my upcoming promotion to colonel. We've weathered six postings, multiple deployments, and countless moves together. But her life would've been a piece of cake had she not crossed paths with this soldier.
Poet Donald Hall captured a profound truth about love in his essay "The Third Thing." The essence is that love is not always built on gazing into each other's eyes. Instead, it's the shared attention on a third thing that solidifies the bond between two people. Third things could be hobbies, shared passions, or common struggles, they are whether it be objects, experiences, or institutions that bring couples together.
When it comes to Katy and me, the Army is the third thing steel-forged in our lives. While not a source of rapture or contentment, it's shaped our journey like a chisel on stone. The Army has brought us incredible opportunities, from graduate school in London to command in Okinawa, Japan. Yet, it has also tested us with forced separations and unwanted postings. One look at our furniture, adorned with bright stickers symbolizing our moves, speaks volumes about our Army life.
Soldiers, especially leaders, benefit from taking time to reflect on their service. Reflection helps understand one's journey, learn from mistakes, and grow as a leader. For better or for worse, I'm not a fan of journaling, but I have made time to extract lessons. Some of the most impactful insights emerged when I put my service under shared attention with Katy.
Brotherhood
Let's face it, Katy doesn't have jealous fits when I flirt with other women—but she does with the brothers from my first deployment to Ramadi. The 1/9 Infantry unit will forever hold a special place in my heart. Over ten years later, when one of the guys needed a ride from Seattle to Portland, I was happy to oblige. Despite negative feedback and skipped family gatherings, I did the drive. I hadn't asked about flying, but it wasn't my place to question.
Katy didn’t grasp the bond between us until we attended a reunion years later. Hearing her stories of Colonel Davis' antics made me truly appreciate the intimate bond we share. Through those moments of shared attention, I learned the true essence of brotherhood born in combat.
Surviving
For years, I'd managed to push survivor's guilt to the background. Losing nineteen friends in the early years of my service felt surreal. I avoided making sense of their deaths and focused on pushing forward. But attending the King's College London Remembrance Day ceremony in 2014 changed everything. The act of submitting my fallen friends' names led to a profound realization that I wouldn't alter my life for anything, but the price that others paid to make it possible bothered me.
Talking this through with Katy helped me see that I could want both—my family and for the fallen to have theirs. Understanding that life isn't meant to make sense sometimes brought comfort, as did hearing Katy's words, "Both can be true."
Absence
In the Army, third things aren't always shared experiences but missed opportunities. In my case, Katy bore the brunt of my absence from many significant moments in our kids' lives.But she made sure I felt the impact of my absence, from missing my son's first stitches to my daughter's karate belt promotions. And she kept me updated on the lives of families in the battalion, ensuring I never lost sight of the people behind the uniforms.
My years in command tested our family. Absence was the norm for over a year due to redeployment amid the COVID-19 pandemic. Katy stepped up heroically, juggling our kids' needs, homeschooling, and her own career aspirations. Deep down, I sometimes wished I could have been there for her, but I also realized that my new role as a colonel could have taken me away even more than before. When we finally reunited, I vowed to make the most of our time together.
Balance
My wife, Katy, is my favorite driving companion. We cherish shared experiences, and great food ranks near the top of our list. A decade into our marriage, we came together for our anniversary, sneaking away for a special getaway. It was an opportunity to catch up, reminisce, and appreciate each other.
However, during the "iron major" years, our connection teetered on the brink. I'd frequently find myself engaged in work late into the evening, returning home long after our kids were asleep. One day, Katy inquired if I planned on joining her and our children for dinner—and I snapped back in frustration. It was a moment of selfishness that I soon regretted.
In considering our values up to that point, I realized I'd allowed work to overwhelm my family life. Armed with a fresh perspective, I made changes to strike the right balance, ensuring I was fully present for my family, even when my role consumed me.
Decisions
Katy has always been a partner who considers our options and helps make informed decisions. In pursuing new opportunities in my career, I would often presume that I knew what was best for us. But Katy's asking me to lay out our choices – as she did when I pondered returning to the Army or going to grad school—forced me to see things from a different perspective. Listening to her thoughts and taking her advice has made our journey as a family that much more enriching.
In conclusion, shared attention on third things has enriched my military journey alongside Katy. Lessons of brotherhood, survival, absence, balance, and making decisions together have shaped our lives as a military family. So today, I encourage all soldiers to make time for reflection and to share their experiences with those they love, as this active engagement is the path to growth and understanding.
The Army, our shared third thing, has forged a bond between us and molded our journey like a chisel on stone, offering both incredible opportunities and challenging us with forced separations and unwanted postings.
Reflecting on our service together, I've learned the essence of brotherhood in combat, with Katy gaining a deeper understanding during our reunion years later.
Juggling our family responsibilities during my absences, Katy had to bear the brunt of my extended military commitments, ensuring I never lost sight of the people behind the uniforms.
As a leader, sharing my experiences with Katy has helped me grow, with opportunities for informed decision-making and striking a balance between work and family. Through the third things we've encountered in our Army life, Katy and I have reinforced our bond and navigated our journey as a military family.
